How deep it is, this process of being a human being. Deeper than all the bottom layers of the oceans combined, maybe.
There is so much to grieve, fear, hold, love, honor, do, act on, hope for, be with, process, remember, let go of, change, create, learn, unlearn. So much.
What I am no longer doing or trying to do:
Be an expert at anything.
Rush or lead from urgency.
Assume I know more than I do.
Pretend I need to know more than I do.
Punish myself for getting it wrong.
Belittle myself for what I’ve yet to learn.
Throw myself a pity party for being a person.
Using the same dehumanizing methods on myself I say I’m against.
Use the same judgments on myself I say I’m against.
Use the same language towards myself I say I’m against.
Hold myself hostage when I slip up.
Make myself bad when I prove my imperfections.
Forget there is nothing to prove.
Try to do 100% 100% of the time.
Leave my whole self behind.
Contort myself to be consumable.
Forget my belonging.
Make viral posts instead of human posts.
Avoid joy or play or ease or rest.
Avoid doing the necessary work.
Avoid making these things one or the other.
Bypass my needs as if that betters anyone or anything.
Bypass my desires as if that betters anyone or anything.
Ignore my intuition and inner knowing.
Look away when pain approaches.
Looking away from the hurt of the world.
Act like I don’t make a difference.
Act like my voice doesn’t matter.
Feel guilty when I forget any of this.
by Lisa Olivera (original post)