Journal entries.
Learning about C-PTSD (or Cptsd or CPTSD) has been making a lot of sense. For me, it helped by providing a relatable structure to so many thoughts I have been having. Formless, structure-less, feeling-based thoughts.
Cptsd acknowledges invisible trauma. Relational trauma is a major invisible trauma that can be at the root of a lot of adult issues. I am of the feeling that, invisible trauma is what causes so much of what is often labelled ‘weird’, ‘bizarre’, ‘crazy’.
The post follows a stream-of-consciousness style. The summary/TL;DR is – attempting to apply/adopt kindness when encountering impasses and frustration. The hope is that it will improve the quality of life and unlock solutions that otherwise may not be reached.
There would be questions in you that you would like to be answered. There would be questions that you are aware of and questions that haven’t formed yet.
We’ll focus on the questions that have been ready for a long time.
There would be questions you haven’t had the chance to ask yet. Not the right people/place/time.
Those questions needn’t be the legacy you carry. There is the possibility to ask those questions, get some answers or discussions, move at least a bit forward in the gridlock bumper to bumper traffic of the emotional highway network, and maybe (very very possibly) clear this maze of an interchange and get to exits that let you breathe better and travel feeling good.
It doesn’t matter who needs which exit – the motel, the diner, the fuel station, the open road, the home, parent’s home, friend’s place, disco bar, concert, retreat, hiking, funeral, picnic, wedding, first date, on the way to collect the 50th or 500th pay check..
The only thing that matters is for as many people to clear the interchange and proceed to their exits.
Ask the questions without judgement. Craft answers without judgement.
When crafting answers without judgement, you are essentially being kind to yourself there. That kindness makes space for answers to grow. Questions to fade. Grudges to melt. Grief to flower. It’s highly unlikely that the kindness would make anything barren. If it does, my apologies, you got caught in the 1% statistical error. That’s on me. But please, go again. By the same statistic that wronged you with the 1% error, it is so not probable that you would get caught in it again. So, go again, make space for kindness. And for those who felt good at the first go itself, you would be getting the hang of it, right? Keep moving through the interchange, apply kindness, keep getting closer to the exit that suits you well. Interchanges will come again and in plenty, but they are adventures to be tasted with kindness.
Please don’t hit the road without kindness. It’ll be one harsh trip out there.
Any question. Ask any question.
Need some to get going?
Why did he jump the lane and squeeze me out when he can see we are all in bumper to bumper traffic? Ask that.
Why was the shopkeeper rude to me? Ask.
Why don’t I feel connected to my mother? Ask.
Why was I not enough for you? Ask.
Will I ever be enough for me? Ask. Do I want to be enough for me? Ask.
Tire yourself out with all the asking.
Ask your heart and brains out. Make a note of all the unsolvable dead-ends and infuriating impasses. Pass out from all the effort.
In the depleted, drained and washed-out condition you would be waking up from, think whether it would do you any good to apply some kindness to the dead-ends and impasses.
If it does, good for you.
This worked for me. I am sorry if it doesn’t work for you. If you would like it, I would like to listen to you.
To all those who don’t find this problem with the emotional traffic, good job. Keep going, keep being.
To not miss the point of future by thinking it’s just about (old) things being done in new ways.
Intentions and purposes too can change; not just the means. Means in ‘means to an end’ can change. So can the end.
There could be new means and new ends.
It is asking you to transform,
and change doesn’t happen when we hold onto too much—
it occurs when we allow space to come between things.
So let go.
Give away what you no longer need,
burn the pain that you carry,
release it all.
Slow down for a minute, darling.
– from Elephant Journal
“We need not accept the choices purveyed to us by life as we know it.” Subvert, transfigure, redeem.
– from @brainpicker, Maria Popova
“yes. yes I do. have the right to be this lush and neverending”
“i have a life to garden.
a multiverse to wake from sleep.”
“the warmest light is your body”
– from Nayyirah Waheed
I formed my ideas/understanding of the world, life and existence from my parents, teachers and caregivers. Growing up, I took in much more words and images. Trying to understand what’s within. Now, to pause seeing the world, life and existence as they are often or rarely told, shown. To not be fed ideas about what’s inside by things out there. To pause seeing the world through newspapers written and sentences spoken without quite much thought. Without enough thought put insofar as to soothe me. And then to start seeing while holding hands with the voice inside that often speaks in a language of feeling. (Could be love. To start seeing with love.)
To see the immense blankness and rich quiet that all the newspapers try to frantically cover up and try to save me from. To choose not to feed on cultivated noise. To get dazed by the blankness and deafened-muted by the quiet so that I might hear a drop coming out of my heart, if it were to come. get to hear the drops coming out of my heart. And then slowly, the drops coming out of dear, fellow hearts. Some dearest.
End qu/n-otes
“Love is the quality of attention we pay to things” – poet J.D. McClatchy
“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity” – philosopher Simone Weil